I am increasingly convinced that Mark was not happy with me.
tell me that even the mutual friends who have seen lately: now it's better.
But not better than the period after we left. He is better than when he was with me. It 'much more peaceful with her new young boyfriend who all define: beautiful, nice and good. This I am told by many.
Not that it is not happy about that, never mind. But it is the responsibility that things did not work for as I am, which is difficult to bear.
Marco wanted me differently. It was found to have next to a person who was not what he wanted, but knowing my self-esteem equal to zero did not want to quit. But he willingly accepted it when I decided I. In fact, when I returned I found the door locked. Who made him do to get back with someone with whom she was not well? He wanted more.
One of the saddest memories of our history is surely the ultimate Christmas present, a few weeks before you leave. A cashmere hat. But how? To me I sweat too complex, hot flashes and turns red you give me a Capellino cashmere? How I cried for that gift: it's like giving the sneakers a mutilated! Mark probably did not want me with my phobia. When he chose that gift to the store probably did not think "me", but the prototype of the boyfriend that he wanted his side to which the present one probably comes closest: it does not suffer from hyperhidrosis.
Another episode where I realized that Mark wanted me different dates back to before. Dinner with the mother of a friend. An unpleasant person in my opinion. The worst of whores and that is that to make a name, it must be a last name: that of her husband. Enriched without lifting a finger. A harrowing dinner where he spoke only of money and flaunt their arrogance. When he asked me what job I did I said so hasty, "work in an advertising agency. " He intervened immediately saying that I was belittling the agency was one of the largest in the world, followed by a significant customer, and bla bla bla. But he probably wanted me more social, more adaptable to different constituencies, less rigid. I just do not have that!
He probably wants me differently now too. Otherwise I can not explain why it went back to sleep at 20 meters from my house for the umpteenth time, after we discuss how we'd stayed bad. There are other hotels in the city? Probably because he should not be a source of pain to have his car parked next to my house for two days and know that he and his boyfriend sono a pochi metri da me. Ma io non sono così. Io ci resto male. La vivo come una provocazione. Perché io lo amo ancora, probabilmente.
Ed è solo qui il punto: per me Marco era l’anima gemella, per lui non lo ero. Per me Marco è la persona che amerò per sempre, quella con cui vorrei condividere ogni aspetto della mia esistenza. Per Marco io probabilmente sono un infatuazione che come è nata è pure finita. Legittimo per lui (e sto cercando di uscire del tutto dalla sua vita proprio in virtù di questo amore).
Ma spero sia legittimo anche per me. Le dinamiche "malate" che hanno caratterizzato la mia ultima relazione affondano, come sempre accade, le loro radici nel mio contesto familiare di origine. Si trattava (e si tratta) di un malessere legato a privazioni di affetto subite nel passato (evito il termine "dipendenza affettiva" che è un po' inflazionato). Il senso del dovere, l'inseguire la perfezione, il non sentirmi mai abbastanza "all'altezza", il voler tenere tutto sotto controllo sono tutti spettri che si agitano dentro di me da sempre. E Marco per un po’ è riuscito a fare da tappo e fare in modo che stessero li buoni buoni. Mi ricordo che per il suo primo compleanno gli regalai un libro di illustrazioni di PRINCIPESSE e gli scrissi un biglietto: “perché con te non mi sento più un rospo”. Per me era proprio quella la fonte del nostro amore: il fatto che lui mi accettasse, faceva in modo che io stessi riuscissi ad accept me. But it was just when I had the suspicion that Mark did not want me to I went as I was in confusion. Maybe I just needed that confirmation did not arrive. Just because Mark was looking for something "different" than me. Some of the younger, less bizarre, no phobias, more sociable, less problematic. Everything back. And we blame him? It 'just understand that he has reason why my pain does not pass, so the hope of a future planning of torque to me is unthinkable.
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